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Medicare didn't send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping. I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb.

It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Sound of a paper bag exploding. Jan's answering machine is broken. You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.

If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep? Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my beep.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference. Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call Leave your painful message after the beep. Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.

Will be automatically deleted! Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive.

Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store.

When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored. What is your name? What is your phone number? Why did you call this number? Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand?

Well, sometimes I do. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages.

This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. I can't come to the phone now, so Hey-that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings I might even play my beep for you.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine?

Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change.

I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you.

A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you. I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken.

And I will call you back. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now.

Please leave your name, number, D. B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me.

If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message? I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience.

In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. This is for posterity. In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. Sound of smashing box of kleenex. But this method doesn't work with a telephone call Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine!

It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? All I can say is leave me a. Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. Caller thinks, "Who's there? Please leave a message Leave a message or I'll send 30, volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking.

I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Please leave your credit card number at the tone Anything but the beep! Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear.

We'll get back to you if we like the color. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2. Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing; the kids are misbehaving, and can't come to the phone. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.

Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth.

Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen.

After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible.

And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.

Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not Shalt not witness thy Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false Shalt not commit a bear Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you When hell freezes over.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry.

Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day. Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

The machine answering this message is connected to a volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. Sound of a kitten meowing. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.

Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. This is , and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.

Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Put your sister down.

Sound of window breaking. I'll have to get back to you later. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is "baby booties. And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work?

Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back Hey, what are you cooking?

You are listening to This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do. You can try to. Please hold while I process your call. Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers.

None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back.

But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.

All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. This is our answering machine. Switch to heavy metal racket: This is our answering machine on drugs. Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.

We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. Break a few small twigs; big scream. Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner! Gregorian chants in background; serene voice: Hello, Brother or Sister.

You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.

Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? I knew you could. In a good Australian accent: Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.

Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. In British voice Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you'd like to do something In Joe Friday voice: The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada.

To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.

In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best: You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.

I think we're going to have to size it a little Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! This is the city. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. Hum the "Dragnet" theme Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room: Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice: Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!

Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice: Due to the breakdown in the nd truce, the inhabitants of village are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the rd truce begins. There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!

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Mommy stated making both boys need to know the sport a lot.

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